I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
