Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You are the jesus of drinking
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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