Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
