Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
