I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
