i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
