I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
