If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
