my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I need to stop coming to work sober
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
