just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
