I want to have your abortion
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
