i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
