every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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