I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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