My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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