i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
