I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
