I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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