I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
