I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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