So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
