Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
