i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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