The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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