oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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