How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
