dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
