i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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