I am puke
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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