I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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