The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
