When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
