I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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