i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
