Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Sober January is a disaster.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need water and some morals
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
