believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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