I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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