well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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