And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I need a burrito and a hug.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
