I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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