My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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