Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
