Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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