I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I came so hard my ears popped.
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