Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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