So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
