i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize