Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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