Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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