Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
