I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
