I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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