I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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