Where is the hickey?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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