Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
