i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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