I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
