Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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