I think my vagina is haunted
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
