Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
two words...techno handjob
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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