the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Randomize
